As of today, my divorce is final. It’s the end of an era, and I have mixed feelings about it all.
Of course, the biggest part of me is relieved that the divorce is over with. But another part of me is sad that no matter what I did, I couldn’t save my failed marriage.
As a child from a divorced home, I always swore that no matter what, I would fight tooth and nail and do whatever it took to fix any problems my marriage had, and we would never divorce. I remember telling Josh the day we got engaged “This is it. If we decide to do this, there is no backing out. I don’t believe in divorce.” But of course, life happened. And some things are just deal breakers, no matter how many times you tell yourself you can forgive and forget. And what’s the old saying… “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” But what about “Fool me three times…” or “Fool me four times…”?
I read a quote the other day that said “Sometimes it’s better to leave something broken than to hurt yourself trying to put the pieces back together”. This couldn’t be more true. For years, I hurt myself trying to fix problems that simply couldn’t be fixed. Things about myself that are just part of who I am I was told were flaws, and making myself miserable trying to be someone I wasn’t, and trying to forgive things I shouldn’t have made me look like a complete hypocrite and fool… Looking back, I should have left a long time ago, but everything happens for a reason. Hindsight is 20/20, and yes I have my regrets, but there’s nothing I can do to change anything now. Besides, the three biggest blessings in my life came from my marriage, and those three blessings are the reason I’m still standing today.
As of today, there’s nothing more to do than to move forward with the scars from the past 15 years and pray that someday God will heal those scars so well that I’ll forget they’re even there, and give me the wisdom to learn from past mistakes and use that wisdom to ensure that I never again spend my time and effort on someone who isn’t going to truly love and accept me for who I am, or try to change me into someone I’m not, and for damn sure who will be loyal and honest with me, no matter what.
Here’s to all of us out there who are living with similar scars, and to our continued healing. Because it is a process; it’s not something you can just decide to get up and get over one day. No matter how much I would love to forgive and forget and move on, there are still days where the scars feel as fresh and raw as the day they first happened. My heart is riddled with bullet holes, and as much as I would like to erase them, they’re never going to go away completely. But with the support I’ve felt from the family and friends who truly love me, the pain is bearable.