Oh, Facebook. You always know how to get me right in the feels with On This Day.
This morning, thanks to On This Day, I came across an old blog, written 5 years ago on my 10th wedding anniversary. I admit it; I cried. I knew today was going to be hard… I’d been warned about the emotional toll the first anniversary post-divorce could take on me.
Even though the divorce was my decision, and I know it was for the best, some days I still struggle with that decision. Even though things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to when I stood at that altar 15 years ago and swore to love and cherish my husband til death do us part, and even though I wish I could forget all the bad times so I could leave behind my bitterness and resentment, there were also some really great times that I miss.
I spent almost half my life with him. He was my best friend- the one person who I felt truly understood every part of me. We shared the same twisted sense of humor, and loved cuddling up on the couch to watch TV together. Some of the funniest moments I’ve experienced in the last 15 years came from my life with him, and he knew all my deepest flaws and said he loved me anyway. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t, but for a while I felt like he did.
And of course, I made three amazing children with him. Everytime I look at them, I see bits of their fathers in them (or all of their father, since Sawyer is his clone!), and it breaks my heart a little each time. I’m reminded that this divorce doesn’t just affect us; it affects them too, and more deeply than we realize sometimes. But more than anything, I am so very grateful for them and the fact that even if nothing else that was good came out of our marriage, we created three beautiful, perfect, miraculous children.
I haven’t ever said outright online what happened with my ex, partly because I didn’t really feel like it was anyone’s business and partly because I was shattered by what happened. I put on a brave face, and pretended I was more mad than sad, but inside I was absolutely broken. I am still trying to repair the damage, and I don’t know if I’ll ever truly get past the emotional scars left by the worst parts of my broken marriage. It’s hard to live your life for years feeling like you’re not good enough, and that nothing you could ever do would make you good enough to make someone truly love you.
I love this song by Katy Perry, “By The Grace of God”. In fact, a lot of her songs really speak to me lately, especially the ones written out of and about the dissolution of her marriage to Russell Brand. But “By The Grace of God” is definitely the one I listen to when I want to wallow in my sadness over the breakdown of my marriage. Katy sings about her depression following her divorce, and trying to find the will to keep going and “put one foot in front of the other”. I totally get it… And even though the reason for the divorce wasn’t my fault, I felt like on some level it was.
Thought I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it any more
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free
Those two parts of the song, especially, hit me right in the core. I know I wasn’t a perfect wife- I made a couple of huge mistakes, and I definitely have my flaws and I’m working to change them- but one thing I am working on making myself believe is the fact that I am enough. Maybe not for my ex, but for someone. Recently a new “someone” came into my life. It’s taking a lot for me to let my walls down and let him in, but he makes me happy. He treats me like a queen, and most days I don’t feel like I deserve someone like that, but I’m working on it. Only time will tell if I’m enough for him, but for now I’m just going to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and take things day by day.
Who knows where I’ll be when Facebook makes this blog pop up in my On This Day memories in 5 more years… But for today, I’m doing ok.