In life, there are times when things don’t work out the way we want. We might not understand why, but I truly believe there’s a reason for everything. We may not like what that reason is, but we have to have faith that we are right where we’re meant to be at all times.
My marriage has been on the rocks for a long time now. I’ve tried really hard to make things work but it’s just not working anymore, and it’s time to make some hard choices.
Recently, I made the decision to separate from my husband of nearly 15 years. Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs, just like any other serious relationship, but the downs have just gotten to be too much and I’m not sure we can come back from the most recent problems we’ve had. Our feelings for each other have changed a lot, and we’ve both changed a lot as people since we met.
I was just 19 when we met, and we’d only been together for two months when I found out I was pregnant with Emily and we got engaged. Everyone thought we were only getting married because I was pregnant, but we were truly, madly, deeply in love. Over the years, we faught through Hell and high water together. When I say that we have been through some truly desparate times, I’m not exaggerating; we’ve been through family drama, eviction, health issues, and more. I felt like he understood and appreciated me for who I was, faults and all, and he felt the same about me. We both supported and encouraged each other, built each other up when we were down, and absolutely loved laughing together over the same things. Despite all the bumps in the road, I truly felt like he was my soulmate.
I don’t really know when all that started to change. I think it was something gradual; little things built up into bigger things until one day I woke up and realized I was miserable. We talked and talked, went to counseling together, and talked some more. But somehow we just haven’t been able to make things better.
I kept thinking “What kind of example am I setting for my children to stay in this relationship?” I never want my children to grow up thinking the wrongs that have been done in our marriage are normal and acceptable, and I would only want them to stay with someone if they were happy. Of course I think it’s important to teach them that some relationships are worth fighting for, but I also want to teach them that if it’s not working, it’s ok to say “I can’t do this anymore” and leave.
So that’s what I’m doing. After years of trying to get back to those feelings I had when I was young, I realize that it’s just not working and it’s ok for me to leave. So my husband and I have talked it over, and I am going to be moving back to my hometown with the kids. At this point, we are only separating. I want to see if being apart for a few months will change things. If so, then it still gives us the option of bringing our family back together. If not, then we know what we have to do.
I have already started looking for jobs and apartments or rental homes back home. I have a list a mile long of things to do, and it’s all pretty terrifying. I’ve spent almost half my life with this man… To say I’m scared of what life is going to be like without him is an understatement, because he’s just about all I’ve ever known. Not to mention I’m terrified of how my kids are going to deal with all the changes in their lives, as well.
One thing I’m incredibly grateful for is the support of my close friends and family. They’ve been instrumental in keeping me sane and grounded through all this. When I start panicking, I talk to them and they let me know it’s all going to be ok, which keeps my anxiety somewhat at bay. I don’t know what I’d do without my sister, either, who’s been working so hard to help me find a place to live in my hometown. Rentals are hard to come by, so it’s been a little tricky so far. But I am trying to keep the faith that it’s all going to fall into place soon.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers, especially my kids. They have handled it all pretty well so far, but I keep waiting for the breakdown; I know it’s coming. Also, if you happen to live in the Southeast Missouri area and know of any good jobs available, let me know! I’m going to need one.
I’m going to leave this with a quote that’s really helped me through the past few weeks:
Everything will be ok. Maybe not today, but eventually.